venting

Basically I'm doing awful. I had and I managed to lose my gains but then
I pretty much undid my loss again. It felt like all I did last week was
feed my flesh.. I paid for it too-- I've been feeling awful. We went on
a day trip on Sunday and it was SO hard physically that Monday I could
barely even move.. I missed my Week 11 WW meeting and was not sad about
it because I knew I had gained- didn't know how much but it felt like a
lot. Swollen, aching, fatigue, sad, stress- everything I feel when I eat
badly plus just dealing with things. When I stepped on the home scale-
it confirmed that I had a significant gain- I wouldn't have been able to
face that being written in my ww weight recorder. I only have 2 weeks
left of WW. We are trimming our budget to adjust to some new payments
and that's on the chopping block. Basically I've been paying $40 a month
since January 1st to yo-yo anyway. My sister and I are hoping to
continue to meet weekly to weigh-in as accountability for one another.
This is what I mean by yo-yo. Look at my weights since for the past 10
weeks of WW:
Week 1 363.6
Week 2 359
Week 3 354
Week 4 354
Week 5 354
Week 6 359
Week 7 365.6
Week 8 363.4
Week 9 357.6
Week 10 357.4
Week 11 - missed meeting home scale showed 8 lb gain- so like-- I would
have been 365. Great a net GAIN of +2 since joining!
Week 12 Monday March 16th who knows. SEe what I mean? That's just
pathetic! I'm paying MONEY to do this??

This week hasn't been much different so far. Officially in a funk and
disgusted that I feel that way.I feel like I paid $120 to end up heavier
than I was when I started and what's the point. I feel like I'm just
tired of fighting this and want to let it go. I can't seem to stay
focused and stay consistent with my losses at all. It's up down up down
and that's not me. I'm tired of counting this or that and it feels like
all I'm just consumed with food this and not food that and I have enough
to deal with.

For example- homeschool, the house, the budget, many different projects
I'm trying to accomplish, plus the big one- helping take care of my
parents. This has been especially hard lately. Dad's latest results show
his kidneys are definitely failing and dialysis will need to begin soon.
I will likely be the one to take him 3x/week. They are giving him 30
days to try yet another medication to see if that will help his leg
circulation last ditch effort before proceeding with surgical amputation
surgery and on top of that- inserting some sort of nerve blocker on his
back which won't take away the intense pain in his legs and back but
make him numb from feeling it. It's so hard to watch all these systems
failing in my father - it's like one wave and then when he is barely
trying to keep his head above water- here comes another wave.

Anyway- so I feel in a very 'strip myself of everything' mode but I'm
conflicted because I feel like if I could just get a handle on things
maybe it wouldn't be so hard and then I know my feelings are affected by
how bad I feel physically, too. See and I don't want to get on here and
share this mess- I want to say.. 'I lost this week- doing great--
another loss- exercise going great-- met my goal" blah blah blah not wah
wah wah.

O K

Time to stop talking!